Tiger Woods made his return to golf this summer, however given the amount of media hype that surrounded it you could have been forgiven for thinking that Jesus, Michael Jackson, Elvis and Lord Lucan announced a reunion and a world tour. Tiger has appologised for his transgressions, how much do you love a word that makes the serial shagging of random slappers sound like a minor property boundry dispute, complete with a press conference with about as much human emotion as an episode of Captain Scarlett and an incredibly creepy TV ad with his dead dad.

We were shocked, we were horrified, damn it we were appalled by his extra marital antics. His sponsors dropped him, his friends shunned him and the rest of us nearly developed repetitive stress injuries from our incessant tutting. Woods was left to stand there and take it all with slumped shoulders and a hang dog look all the while thinking “if only I’d learned to cook I could have gotten away with it!”.

It seems our top chefs change their wives more often than they change the lunch specials. In fact so used are we to our celebrity chefs shagging anything with a heartbeat that we have to give serious consideration to ordering the lobster unless its an absolute munter. This laxed interpretation of their marital vows doesnt seem to have the same career ending potential for chefs as it does for other high profile professional men. John Burton Race, a man who keeps forgetting to leave his last wife before getting involved with a new one is still cooking away happily at The New Angel, or as close to happy as I can imagine him getting, and a regular on our TV screens. In fact I hear he is working on a new food game show where contestants have to cook for two families on a budget without the other family knowing a thing about it.

Marco Pierre White was recently involved in a drama riddled divorce wrangle the likes of which hasnt been seen since Dynasty went off the air. There were claims and counter claims, full blooded attacks in the press, postal espionaige and the hocking of incredibly expensive jewlery to pay for scheming solicitors. Marco’s previous two marraiges are hardly going to make it into a pre wedding course anytime soon either. His first one lasted just 18months and the second until the first day of the honeymoon. Maybe Marco is just a hopeless romantic but surely at some point in the departure lounge he must have thought “fuck this I’ve made a bigger mistake than that time I put garlic eclairs on the dessert menu”. The scene on their arrival on the Isles of Scilly must have been awkward when his still blishing bride said “Are you sure that’s all of our bags honey” and MPW replied “Erm no, just yours dear and umm let me explain why”.

Ok so maybe its that combination of arrogance and a fiery temperament that makes these two give the rest an unfair reputation! But even Rick Stein, the culinary equivelant of everybodies favourite uncle, was caught playing offside and given his marching orders by wife Jill. The drama didnt end there either as his wife, who manages the Stein business empire, was so enraged at seeing Rick and his new squeeze Sarah Burns in their main restaurant that she walked over and twatted her and when Rick himself attempted to intervene he copped an unfortunate one and all. You have to think that the diners who witnessed the whole event were not slow in settling their bills having seen what lengths Jill was willing to go to with people who have wronged her.

So why do they get away with it in the eyes of the public? Certainly their careers dont suffer, not to the extent that other men have. I mean Vernon Kaye sent a bawdy text and gets the kind of treatment from the press ususally reserved for expenses fiddling MP’s or Josef Fritzel. Ashley Cole sends a photo of “little ashley” to some strumpet and his ex-wife gets promoted to Vera Lynn status while he gets demoted to just below Jeremy Kyle in the popularity stakes (I never understood why, if he wanted to send photos of loads of cocks to the girl he didn’t just send her a signed Chelsea team photo). Personally I was amazed that the girl in question didnt end up with a string of photos of his thumb and bedroom wall!

The epitome of “we are going to make you pay” however is Tiger. I mean the guy plays golf, he plays it very well but he still just plays golf. He doesnt make educational policy decisions, he isnt responsible for developing an alternative fuel source, he isnt even remotely involved with shaping reform of our financial institutions yet he is scrutinized, analyzed and villified to such a dgree that you would swear at any moment he is about to leap the crowd barrier and begin cavorting with a special team of “exotic dancers” he brings every where with him to satisfy his insatable carnal needs. Tiger you should have learned to boil an egg it seems.

Why in a world driven to near hysterics by marital infidelity do chefs get a free pass? And should any husband planning on getting himself a bit on the side go on a bloody good cooking course first? “Honey this chocolate soufle isn’t the only thing I’ve knocked up today” may well be the line that saves many a marraige from the divorce courts!

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