Over the years a lot of people have tried taking on the might of the USA. The Russians went broke before their own country collapsed when they tried. The Japanese went for the strike first approach and we all know how that worked out for them. In fact throughout history the Americans have given the germans, the british, the mexicans, other americans and any number of despots a good tonking so who would be fool hardy enough to take them on?

A marxist dictator with a nuclear capability? A mad Iranian with his feared revolutionary guard? Or a chunky essex chef with his converse trainers and a dodgy hair do?

Jamie Oliver is a likable chap. He is in fact far more likable as a person than he is talented as a chef. His rise from sous chef to superstar has been nothing short of meteoric. He has made fuck loads of cash from his various TV campaigns and endorsements and won the respect of the nation when he took on the task of improving our childrens school dinners. He even got a pat on the back from Her Maj for all his good work. So what makes him risk it all in a foolhardy attempt to separate americans from their fridges? A task that’s harder than separating the men from the boys at a seminary!

In his recent show, Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution, for America’s ABC network Jamie attempted to change the eating habits of the American city of Huntington West Virgina, or to call it by a name you’re unlikely to see on its tourist brochures “America’s Fattest City”. Maybe they should put it on their brochures, let’s be honest it has to be a pretty keenly contested competition. This is after all a country where they make a deep fried burger with Krispy Kreme donuts for buns! The town council could even market themselves to slightly overweight tourists who could come to their town and feel positively svelte next to the gastro pods who inhabit the place. One thing is sure though, Huntington put down Jamie’s attempted revolution with a ferocity that would make Mr Ahmadinejad wince.

Why so, when the task before him was quite literally massive did Jamie take it on in the first place? Are we to believe that despite a successful business empire, multi-million pound fortune, loving family and respect of a nation that somehow his life wasn’t complete knowing that American’s continued gorging on sugar is likely to cut footwear sales in half?

Did he simply wish to be immortalised and romantacised like so many other heroic British failures, like The Charge of The Light Brigade, Scotts attempt at the Pole or Jemini? Maybe he just wanted to try and make it up to the world after unleashing Aaron Craze upon it, and lets be honest here me old mucka you’d want the next 3 lifetimes acting as a human draft excluder at an orphanage to even come fucking close! What were you thinking? Was it a case of “well if they think I’m a mockney twat wait till they cop a load of this muppet”.

Whatever the reason, his intentions were as well meaning as they were misguided. In a country where 1 in 3 people born from now on will develop diabetes (hence the earlier footwear joke, clever eh!) during their life time and seemingly everything is loaded with high fructose corn syrup even national chat show hosts knew Jamie’s was a fools errand. David Letterman certainly didnt help Oliver’s cause by announcing during their cooking segment that diet pills where the only way to successfully lose weight in America. Jamie is far too much of a gent to respond by enquiring if Mr Letterman had shagged anyone else he wasn’t married to, or exactly how much nitros oxide they have to pump into the studio to get the audience to laugh at his fucking awful Top 10 lists.

One thing that should be learned from this experience is that Britain has already begun descending the sugary slope toward a national obesity crisis. Everything we see happening in the US from a food and health point of view is already happening in the UK. Who knows maybe the sight of bloated Yanks, red faced and wheezing as the waddle from their car to the fast food outlet will shock some people into addressing their own issues. Perhaps Jamie’s sacrifice on the American TV alter will see him painted as a sort of culinary Sydney Carton (the “it is a far far better thing that I do now than I have ever done before” fella from a Tale of Two Cities) in times to come.

To help him recover from his disastrous American assault he almost immediately jetted off on his next gastronomic tour, this time sensibly choosing destinations who are only too happy to see a wealthy white man with a big budget film crew rock up on their doorstep. And why not, Jamie deserves a break away from fat angry americans, abusive shock jock djs and even laughably pathetic British mothers passing burgers through school railings to their fat kids for fear they will fade away when they are suitably insulated to survive a nuclear winter.

I do have one question though, why is every piece of cooking equipment he uses look like it was fished from a skip behind a Salvation Army hostel? I mean we know you’ve made a few quid mate, fuck it it was the people who watch your shows who bought all the shite you pedal that lined your pockets, any chance you could blow some of the wedge on bit of decent crockery?

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