I got bored on the bus home from work so I wrote this

Sung to the tune of The Wild Rover

The Food Writer

I’ve been a food writer for many a year

And I spent all my time reviewing whiskey and beer

I’ve had tours of breweries been shown round grain stores

And I never will be a Food Writer no more


And it’s no, nay, never


No, nay never no more

Will I be a food writer

No never, no more

I went to a Draught House I used to frequent

And I told the land lady my money was spent

I ask her for credit I said I’d re-Tweet

But she told the bouncers to fuck me out in the street


I pulled out my laptop and sat down to write

And the maitre’ds eyes opened wide with fright

“Sir we’ve whiskey and beer and the foods only fab

And don’t mind the bill sure we’ll pick up the tab”


I’ll return to my parents and confess what I’ve done

How I’ve eaten all round me and drank wine for fun

I know they’ll forgive me of that there’s no doubt

But Christ only knows how I’ll cure this gout